the four levels to forgiveness

"So you're big on forgiveness then?"

"well yeah, really, after what I just told you, what is left?"

Let's not trip up on the fallacy that it happens in one sitting. You have to go through the steps until 'it' no longer has a hold over you.

It's a means of dissolving the boundaries of 'X' emotion into forgiveness.

Although it is taught that forgiveness means to overlook, to act as though a thing has not occurred. This is not true. You have control over the boundary. To flip the switch and redefine what is possible.

For most, forgiveness is a learned skill; for some, it is a gift, and few have an innate temperament for it. Your job is to see past the first illusions, that you are not bad if you do not forgive easily and certainly not a saint if you do. It is each to their own.

Maya Angelou once said: 'I am a human being, nothing human can be alien to me.'

It is worth remembering that our psyche knows all the hidden corners of human nature; your unique print of nature-nurture, so good luck hiding from it.

The steps are as follows:

01: to forgo - leave it alone

Put whatever 'it' is on do not disturb, and be sure not to disturb; the person, thing or event for a while. Consider it the same as having a gaping wound on your leg. Would you continue to pick at it? No, you would not.  The strength comes from letting the skin scab over the injury. This gives you room to take up a new memory, situation or issue. Space in your psyche to weave, write or learn someone new.

02: to forebear - to abstain from punishing

whatever your vices are, use them but allow room for grace to enter the equation. To forebear is to add patience to the mix, patience with yourself to contain and channel the emotion into something of use. to bear up against anything is a powerful medicine. It's the next step in refraining from the hostile voice of useless punishment and a step closer to strengthening integrity with oneself.

03: to forget - to refuse to dwell

to forget is to actively refuse to summon fiery material to the main stage. It does not make you brain dead to forget; in fact, quite the opposite. Taking a conscious step to refuse the recollection of a memory weakens the wiring. An emotion, believe it or not, is only felt for 90 seconds; it's the ongoing thought tied to it that makes it stronger, lets it linger on the big stage, with you in the front row. It does take a bit of effort on your behalf to actively forget, drop the obsessions of looking back over the memory and create a different stage, another landscape of experience. Remember, this process does not aim to erase a memory; it only works to rest the emotions surrounding it.

04: to forgive - to abandon the debt

how can you tell that you've reached this level?

Feelings of sorrow for the circumstance replace rage. Sorry for the person, not anger. Nothing is left to remember to say about it all. You understand their worldview, how it looks in their shoes. You are not waiting or wanting anything. This is not to equate to surrender but a choice to forgive a debt.  You can pardon a person in different ways. One of the most profound forms of forgiveness is to give compassionate aid to the offender in some form or another. This means to respond with mercy and preparedness. To drop the coldness of not having a 'happily ever after' and allow the act of 'once upon a time' to take its place.